We all experience grief at some point in our lives. What triggers these feelings can be different for everyone — it could be the loss of a job, a divorce, the passing of a loved one, or even the discovery of a health condition like Alpha-1. The pain and loss we feel can sometimes seem never-ending, but there is hope for recovery. In this article, we will learn about the five stages of grief and find tips to help ourselves and others deal with the emotions that come with each step of the grieving process.

Psychologists have identified a set of emotional responses to loss, known as the grieving process, which includes five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As we adjust to traumatic loss, we are likely to experience many of these emotions, although not necessarily in order. Sometimes we go backward and forwards as we move through this process, and there is no set time limit for completing any of these stages.

Stage 1: Denial 

In this stage of the grieving process, we may simply not believe whatever bad news we have just received. When confronted by a major stressor, like being diagnosed with Alpha-1, it is common for people to say, “I just can’t believe it!” Learning that you have a genetic condition that has the potential to affect your health in profound ways can be shocking. Denying the loss or even denying the importance of your diagnosis can be a valid way of saying, “I’m just not ready to deal with this yet.”

It is common for many people to feel that they want to be left alone at this time. You might find yourself withdrawing from social activities, avoiding your family and friends, and refusing to return phone calls. Having time to yourself can be healthy and this desire should be respected by others. But if you find yourself feeling isolated and abandoned, you might want to reconsider if you may have kept others at a distance. Let your family and friends know that while you need to have some time for yourself, you don’t want to exclude them from your life entirely.

How to help someone in the denial stage

Don’t take anything personally. Be a good listener when they are ready to talk. Recognize that denial may be their way of coping with a traumatic situation, and that it may take some time for them to begin to accept the reality of their condition. If you feel that their denial has gone on too long, try not to push them by telling them what you think they should do or feel. Instead, consider telling them what you are feeling, without blaming them for your feelings.

Stage 2: Anger

It is normal to experience anger when you receive upsetting information. When you learned of your Alpha-1 diagnosis, you might have felt that you did not deserve this, and that life has been unfair to you. Perhaps you asked yourself, “Why me?” It’s important to remember that anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Trying to repress your anger often means that it expresses itself in unintended ways, like nagging others or pointing out their imperfections. Camouflaging your anger makes it more difficult for others to respond to you constructively.

Consider finding a place where you can vent your anger in a safe setting without hurting anyone. This may be with a trusted friend, counselor, or member of the clergy. Some people find it helpful to write about their feelings in a journal or in a letter that they may decide not to send.

How to help someone in this stage of anger

When attempting to help someone deal with their anger:

  • Remember that anger is not directed at you but at the situation
  • Accept the behavior as part of a process and a sign of change
  • Allow yourself a break from the person but assure them that you are not deserting them

Stage 3: Bargaining 

The next stage of the grieving process is often called “bargaining.” At this stage, people commonly want to make up for any past mistakes they might have made. Some Alphas feel guilty for not having taken better care of their health, particularly if they were smokers, or if they allowed themselves to get “out of shape.” Others may have regrets about spending too much time at work and not enough time with family. You might feel as if time is running out, and that you still have not done some of the important things you had intended to.

It could be said that we are “bargaining” whenever we make a promise that is based on the hope of achieving a guaranteed outcome.

How to help someone in this stage of bargaining

When dealing with someone in this stage:

  • Acknowledge their feelings
  • Remember that “bargaining” may be associated with quiet guilt
  • Recognize that the past cannot be “undone” but remedies may be available
  • Support their efforts to seek resolutions or to complete unfinished business

Stage 4: Depression

All of us feel depressed, sad, or “blue” from time to time. We wouldn’t be “normal” otherwise. When we suffer the loss of someone or something important to us, it is not only normal to feel somewhat depressed — it is also healthy.

Generally, when we feel depressed, we also feel weak and tired and don’t feel like doing much of anything. However, it is during this stage that we truly begin to think about how this loss will affect our lives. We might worry about finances, our independence, our role in the family, or our ability to have intimacy. This is hard work. After we have had sufficient time to contemplate these matters, we can then begin to prepare ourselves for the way these losses will impact our lives and how we will cope with them.

Depending on the nature of the loss, it can be common for people at this point to find themselves going back and re-experiencing earlier stages of the grieving process. Once again, you might feel confused, angry, or like you just can’t believe it. No one can say for sure how long this process should take. Everyone needs to experience their losses and come to terms with their own emotions at their own pace. Generally, we cannot be pushed to “just snap out of it!”

On the other hand, depression has a way of fostering even more depression. When we feel too fatigued to do much of anything, we might neglect to care for ourselves, our homes, and other important things. This sense of neglect can become depressing in itself. If you feel stuck in depression, consider some of the following things you can do to get moving again:

  • Follow a well-balanced diet. Eating “comfort” food, or junk food, for too long can deny your body the nutrition it needs to remain physically healthy. Your depressed feelings can be worsened when your overall health declines.
  • Exercise. Numerous studies have shown that exercise is a very effective method for decreasing depression. Exercise improves your mood and boosts self-confidence.
  • Maintain social contacts and activities. Minimize the amount of time you spend alone. Isolation can promote depression.
  • Share your feelings with trusted friends, family, or a healthcare provider. Communicating with the people who mean the most to you often facilitates change. Seeking help from professionals is discussed in more detail later in this section.

How to help someone in this stage of depression

Caregivers often try to cheer up the depressed person by encouraging them to “look at the bright side of things.” Sometimes you can help someone develop a realistic assessment of how their loss might affect their lives by reflecting what you see happening.

When the depressed person is in the process of preparing themselves for adapting to the changes in their lives, trying to cheer them up may not be particularly helpful. At this time, it may be best to just show them that you are willing to listen.

Seeking professional help for depression

If these measures fail to have a significant effect on your depression, you may wish to consider seeking help from a counselor or mental health professional. You can find a free mental health self-assessment form here. You might also consider taking a copy of this form with you to your health care provider. Nowadays there are many counseling services offered online and over the phone if you do not wish to visit a physical office.

Stage 5: Acceptance

The final stage of the grieving process is acceptance. Acceptance does not necessarily mean that an individual has “resigned themselves to their fate” or that they have “given up.” Rather, it signifies the recognition that we cannot control all of the events that shape our lives and indicates a readiness to move on. Many people experience this stage as a time of reflection and renewal. Some people see this stage as an opportunity to reach out and share what they have learned with others. Others experience this stage in a more solitary fashion.

Experiencing acceptance does not mean that you will never feel the elements of grief ever again. You may find yourself retracing your steps from time to time, and re-experiencing anger, depression, fearfulness, and many other emotions. This should not be viewed as a setback, but merely as a period of integration and reorganization. In this way, we can come to develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and others.

Some people describe acceptance not as the final stage of grieving, but as the first stage of a whole new life.

For even more information on this topic, check out the Big Fat Reference Guide.